Here's some for the ladies?

Q. How can you tell when a man is well hung?


A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.





Q. How do men define a %26quot;50/50%26quot; relationship?


A. We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.





Q. How do men exercise on the beach?


A. By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.





Q. How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?


A. Make him wear shoes.





Q. How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?


A. Rename the mail folder %26quot;Instruction Manuals.%26quot;





Q. How does a man show he%26#039;s planning for the future?


A. He buys two cases of beer instead of one.





Q. How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?


A. All he%26#039;s concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.





Q. What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?


A. Any place without a drive-up window.





Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?


A. Trustworthy.





Q. What do you call the useless piece of skin on the end of a man%26#039;s penis?


A. His body.





Q. What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner?


A. A power failure.





Q. What should you give a man who has everything?


A. A woman to show him how to work it.





Q. What do men and mascara have in common?


A. They both run at the first sign of emotion.





Q. What do men and pantyhose have in common?


A. They either cling, run, or don%26#039;t fit right in the crotch!





Q. What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?


A. His wife is good at picking out clothes.





Q. What%26#039;s a man%26#039;s definition of a romantic evening?


A. Sex.

Here%26#039;s some for the ladies?
hahahahahaha soooooooooo true, laughed at every one of them!!!








Go girl, kick some @ss!!!


LMFTO
Reply:A fave %26quot;man bashing%26quot; joke of mine...





Loving a man is like a deck of playing cards.


You need a heart to love him.


A diamond to marry him,


A club to smack him with


%26amp; a spade to bury the idiot!





Hahahaha some might find it distasteful but i think it%26#039;s hilarious!! :P
Reply:Good ones
Reply:thanks for the laugh
Reply:Funny!





The last one in that list is absolutely true.





regards, ATG.
Reply:Way to go ! Both your statements %26amp; malcolmgriggs%26#039; are true , but it is mark who has the best joke : %26quot; a decent bloke !?%26quot;
Reply:You definitely know men.
Reply:lol great lessons from life******
Reply:It%26#039;s no wonder you sound so aggrieved. You should find yourself a decent bloke...
Reply:great cant stop laughing will def pass these on
Reply:You really are a very sad person arent you?. Let me guess, all your friends have boyfriends and you never seem to get the good ones.





Here are some for the Men





How many men does it take to open a beer?


None. It should be opened by the time your woman brings it to the couch.





Losing a wife can be hard. In most cases, it is damned near impossible.





Why was alcohol invented?


So fat women can get laid too.





A man complaining to a friend: %26quot;I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman... then... pow!... it was all gone!%26quot; %26quot;What happened?%26quot; asked the friend. %26quot;Ahhhh... my wife found out...%26quot;





Wife: Let%26#039;s go out and have some fun tonight.


Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.





A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, %26quot;Martha, pack up your things! I just won the National lottery!%26quot; Martha responds excitedly, %26quot;Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?!%26quot; The man responds, %26quot;I don%26#039;t care ... just so long as you%26#039;re out of the house by noon!%26quot;





Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful.





I haven%26#039;t spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don%26#039;t like to interrupt her.





A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle.





If your wife and your lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to the cinema?





Why have women got small feet?


So they can get closer to the sink.





Why have women got legs?


To move between the kitchen and the bedroom.





How do you know when it%26#039;s time to wash dishes and clean the house?


Look inside your pants; if you have a penis, it%26#039;s not time.





Why do women pay more attention to their faces than their minds?


Because even thought men may, at time, be a little stupid, they aren%26#039;t blind.





What%26#039;s the difference between a dog howling on the back porch, and a women howling on the front porch?


The dog shuts up when you let it in.





Did you hear about the new home appliance?


You screw it on the bed and it does all the housework.





Why does the bride always wear white?


Because it is always a good idea to have the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.





How do you change a woman%26#039;s mind?


Buy her another beer.





How can you tell if your wife is dead?


The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.





Rules For Women








If you think you%26#039;re fat, you probably are.


Don%26#039;t ask us. We refuse to answer.





Men were born with a natural ability to


Fart, Swear, Consume copious amounts of alcohol,


play golf from 07:30 tee-off until 04:30 the next morning,


scratch our balls in public.





The morning after a dinner of Cabbage %26amp; Bacon and we take a dump


don%26#039;t ***** use the spare toilet.





Women need men to procreate. We don%26#039;t care about X and Y Chromosomes


as long as the package is delivered.





Shaving your patch is a turn-on. Deal with the itch.


We will assist in applying the anti-itch cream.





Farting in bed and holding your head under the duvet


can be construed as a national sport.





Pregnancy is just as tough for men .


for the first trimester nothing much needs to change it%26#039;s just not as regular,


For the 2nd trimester it%26#039;s less frequent and only Doggy style,


For the last trimester we have to practice coyote love


we sit in front of the hole and howl.





Learn to work the toilet seat. If it%26#039;s up, put it down.





Don%26#039;t cut your hair. Ever.


Long hair is always more attractive than short hair,


One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women


always cut their hair, and by then you%26#039;re stuck with her.





Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests


to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!





If you ask a question you don%26#039;t want an answer to,


expect an answer you don%26#039;t want to hear.





Sometimes, we%26#039;re not thinking about you. Live with it.





Don%26#039;t ask us what we%26#039;re thinking about unless you are prepared


to discuss such topics as navel lint,


the shotgun formation and monster trucks.





Sunday = sports. It%26#039;s like the full moon or the changing of the tides.


Let it be.





Shopping is not a sport, and no, we%26#039;re never going to think of it that way.





When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.


Really. You have enough clothes. You have too many shoes.





Crying is blackmail.





Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot.





Ask for what you want. Let%26#039;s be clear on this one: Subtle hints don%26#039;t work.


Strong hints don%26#039;t work. Really obvious hints don%26#039;t work. Just say it.





No, we don%26#039;t know what day it is. We never will.


Mark anniversaries on a calendar.





Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult.


We%26#039;re bound to miss sometimes.





Most guys own three pairs of shoes-what makes you think


we%26#039;d be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty,


would look good with your dress?





Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.





Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.


That%26#039;s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.





A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.





Foreign films are best left to foreigners.





Check your oil.





Fake it. We don%26#039;t care as long as we dump our load.





It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.


No, it doesn%26#039;t matter which quiz.





Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.


All comments become null and void after 7 days.





If you won%26#039;t dress like the Victoria%26#039;s Secret girls,


don%26#039;t expect us to act like soap opera guys.





If something we said can be interpreted two ways,


and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.





Let us ogle. We%26#039;re going to look anyway; it%26#039;s genetic.





Don%26#039;t rub the lamp if you don%26#039;t want the genie to come out.





You can either ask us to do something OR


tell us how you want it done-not both.
Reply:These are funny!
Reply:He he he.....all so true
Reply:I love it !! Great one liners !!
Reply:they r great...well worth a star
Reply:Its a great list of jokes. Really enjoyed it.
Reply:You are my new hero!


God help the man that should be dating you. (lol)


Best site ive seen on here well funny!
Reply:hehe
Reply:hey..thats quite true too...haha star for you
Reply:yea very good have a star!!!
Reply:Ha ha ha....thanx for the laugh
Reply:yeah that%26#039;s a good joke, fav part is about the penis and his body ha,ha, ha
Reply:Like them
Reply:it was interesting and funny at the same time, kudos to you!
Reply:You go girl!!!!
Reply:hahaha! lol
Reply:OMG u r sooo spot on. EVERYONE of these are true (sadly :( xx)





:) xx
Reply:lol aww they%26#039;re adorable lmao at the last one
Reply:Hhahahahahahhahaaa, you femenist, lol.
Reply:funny
Reply:i loved them





especially the pantyhose one



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